Pretending
by peetastic
Summary: The full moon made werewolves void of any control and understanding once a month, but it isn't as consistent as the 24/7 confusing chaos Sirius Black creates in Remus Lupin's head. (Wolfstar)
1. Sleep Deprived

The dim moonlight was streaming from our dorm's open windows as I sit cross-legged in my four-poster bed, hunched over an essay due the morning after. My eyes are getting even more strained with every word I proofread and in the middle of stifling a yawn, I hear footsteps coming up the staircase.

I look up in time to see James enter the room, all grime and dusty, fresh from another late Quidditch practice.

"Seriously, Moony?" he mutters, grinning smugly. He walks over to his bed and plops himself down, his broomstick tossed aside on the floor.

"What now, James?" I ask, the lack of sleep evident in my slurred voice.

"He does not deserve your after hours service" he says, gesturing to a curled up, unconscious Sirius on his bed across the room. "I don't care how hard the Transfiguration essay is, you were up all night too, give it a rest"

I smile weakly at James. "I appreciate the rare concern, James, but it's okay. I'm just finalizing everything for him"

James chuckles and pulls a blanket over himself.

"Sure, Remus. All is fair in love and war" he teases, his eyes already fluttering to a close.

"James!" I hiss at him, my eyes worriedly watching Sirius.

"Relax, Moony. He's asleep. And he can sleep through anything" James replies, right before succumbing to his fatigue.

I glare at him and tuck away Sirius' essay between the textbook on his nightstand. Yawning, I kick off my school shoes and pull of my shirts. I rub my bloodshot, heavy-bagged eyes, and lie down.

Regardless of my exhaustion of the week's load of homework and the comfort of my bed, something in my anatomy was pulling me back from the sleep I needed to function normally. I try again and again to paint my overworked head blank, but my mind is still entangled in a braid of thoughts that continue to grow.

My eyes stay open and fixated on the outline of Sirius asleep on his bed, the steady rise and fall of his shoulders adding to my merciless over thinking.

It's been years, and yet, I still haven't fully grasped the concept of being in love with someone I'm not supposed to be thinking about in the way I think about _him_. The cruel concept that it is possible to fully devote yourself to a person who can't give you the love you need is anything but fair.

Already in my sixth year, I have grown accustomed to the turmoil that has grown in my heart. I have grown accustomed to being suspended in the midway between happiness and pure torture. I have grown accustomed to the love my body has chosen to contain, the love I should have avoided when I still had a chance of withdrawing from this chaos. I have grown accustomed to Sirius Black.

But having grown accustomed of these has not given me the ability to know how to control it. Being used to thoughts I shouldn't have did not mean I had any trace of knowledge on how to avoid them. The way I felt was familiar - as it has been for the last three years - but it didn't make any aspect of this situation any easier.

A groan from the other side of the room and the sound of ruffling sheets cuts my head's internal chaos.

"Moony?", Sirius' sleepy voice breaks the silence of the night and makes me stiffen.

"Y-yeah?", I stutter, thankful that it was too dark for Sirius to see the nervous expression encrusted on my face.

"Oh, hey. Nothing, just got woken up by a dream. Why are you up?"

"Well, I was busy with someone's essay", I retort playfully.

"Right. Sorry about that"

Even in the lack of light in the room, I try to keep himself from smiling, my heart beating faster in response to the Sirius' beautiful, drowsy voice.

"Are you?"

Sirius' chuckle sends shivers down my spine, another weakness you'd reckon a bloody werewolf could handle.

"Aw, Moony, you know I'm not"

"Thought so", I reply, still grinning to myself.

"Well, thanks anyway", Sirius says, with sincerity in his tone.

"Anytime"

"Oh, Remus, the things you would do for me", he jokes.

_Tell me about it_, I think to myself.

The silence extends and before another moment passes, Sirius is asleep again and I am left alone to return to my internal analysis of this unnerving confusion that has haunted me for the past three years.


	2. Waffles And A Lunch Date

The Great Hall is jam packed with its usual mixture of uncontrolled voices ringing throughout the tables and the scent of the freshly made breakfast. I try to fixate my senses only on my Potions book as I repeatedly stab the waffles on my plate.

"Hey", James sits next to me, flipping his book open as well, regardless of his lack of intention to study. "You okay, there?"

I raise my eyebrows, my eyes still glued to the pages. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you're massacring your breakfast that you haven't taken a bite of, your book has been open to one page for the last few minutes, and your eyes keep travelling to the entrance", James answers without skipping a beat, motioning his head to the other end of the hall. Sirius was stationed at the door, flirting with a couple of fifth years.

"Shut up, James", I mutter.

"Huh, someone's cranky", he utters, reaching over to my full plate, and helping himself to a mouthful of waffles.

"Well I was up all night. Sirius wanted me to help him out with his homework", I say to him frankly.

James smirks as he swallows my breakfast. "It's your fault you can't resist those puppy dog eyes", he insists mockingly.

I smile, amused. "Don't make me regret telling you about this, Prongs"

"Yeah, okay", he says, distraction taking over his voice. "Hold that thought, Remus", he adds, ruffling his hair as a group of giggling Ravenclaw girls passes. He winks at them, sending the girls into a fit of squeals as they hurry away. Their smiles growing wider as they pass a waving Sirius on the way out.

I snicker, rolling my eyes at James. "How you two can live with torturing those poor girls is beyond me, actually", I say, closing my textbook and shoving it in my heavy bag.

"Got a problem with that, Moony?" he says, in his voice that never failed to contain his cockiness.

I was about to laugh, dismissing his mock-threat, but my eyes suddenly travel back to Sirius. His smile unmistakably bigger, I could see that even from across the hall, as he continued to entertain the girls with eager, bright eyes that could not peel away from Sirius, had reddened cheeks that blushed harder with Padfoot's every word and gesture.

"Actually, yes I do have a problem with that", I murmur before I could stop myself.

James, who has already taken the liberty to finish the rest of the waffles, looks up from his plate, and looks at the direction of of my stare.

He turns to me in an instant, after he sees what I was still looking at. "Oh, Remus. That's nothing to worry about. I reckon he's just bored, you know how he is. I quite doubt he has any significant interest in those girls", he assures.

"It looks like he's interested enough to me", I say miserably.

James rolls his eyes, exasperated. "You're a nutter, you know that? You do realize whenever he flirts around, it's with people he doesn't give a damn about"

I sigh, glancing back at Sirius once more. He's laughing, running his calloused fingers through his dark, shaggy hair, and the two girls are giggling along, hanging onto his every move.

"Yeah, I reckon you're right", I say, unconvinced with my own words.

"You really shouldn't doubt me, Remus", James states confidently. "The minute he feels like actually talking to someone that actually matters, he'll ditch any amount of starstruck girls"

Before I could retort, I get caught by something in my peripheral vision. As if he heard what James had just said, Sirius turns his heel, and starts to strut down towards me and James, leaving the two fifth years attempting to disguise their disappointment.

I look at James, who was looking more smug than usual. "Oh, Remus Lupin, you may be in love with him, but I know him better", he says, beaming at me.

Grinning, I give in to his claim. "Well, I can't argue with that"

Sirius reaches the table, sitting across me. Up close, I can see his gorgeous gray eyes, shining as it catches the light's reflection, creating tiny specks of colors.

"What're you two so happy about, eh?" He says, swiping the leftover maple syrup from the plate in front of James.

"Nothing, we just-", I cut myself off, getting dazed at the sight of him slowly sucking the syrup off his fingers.

Bloody hell, it's like he's doing it on purpose. I swear, that arse is never not gorgeous. Bugger, this is absolute torture, I wish he knew that. Damn, the way he-

"Moony? You there?", Sirius says carefully with a confused look on his face as James kicks my foot from under the table.

I snap back to what's happening, trying to abandon my thoughts.

"You look a bit off. You okay there, mate?", Sirius asks, raising his eyebrows.

"Uh, yeah...I j-just...I was, you know-", I tried to sputter out anything that made tangible sense, but nothing came.

"He's just really sleep deprived. He was up all night, remember?", James chimes in, keeping me from rambling on any further.

"Oh, right. Sorry about that, Remus"

"It's alright, anything for you-", I start but James kicks me again. " -Guys", I hastily add, "Anything for you guys"

Sirius just grins and claps his hands as he stands up."Well, I'm guessing that means you're up to tutoring me later at lunch?"

I look up at Sirius, trying to ignore James discreetly nudging me with his elbow. "Yeah, of course", I say in a heartbeat.

"Great, well I'll you see you at Potions. I forgot that I promised to wake Peter up"

James and I laugh as he walks away in big, proud strides.

"Well, looks likes someone has a lunch date", James teases, pinching my cheek.

I swat his hand away, trying to stop myself from smiling. "Shut up, we have to get to Potions"


	3. Amortentia

After a rushed lunch, I find myself in the corner table by the Potions books with Sirius,who was still staring blankly at the notes I gave him. The afternoon rays stream through the library, making the dust in the chilly air gleam almost as bright as his eyes.

He frowns at the parchment and taps his restless fingers on the wooden arm of his chair. I continue reading my copy of Advanced Potion Making in between stolen glances at his attempt to focus on the words I wrote.

"All of this is so damn simple. How exactly to manage to flunk tests in this subject?", he whines as he grabs my book my grasp, hastily flipping to the chapter I got my notes from.

I cross my arms and look at him, amused at his rare outburst of desperation. "You might be smart, but sometimes you actually need to memorize a thing or two", I say, grinning.

"Ugh, bloody Potions", he mutters, still thumbing through the pages.

"Here, let me test you", I offer as I take my book and notes back.

"Sure", he utters indifferently.

"Okay, tell me about Golpalotts Third Law", I challenge.

He looks up, confused and annoyed, and taps his fingers faster. "Yeah, okay", he starts off unsure. "That's...the law about antidotes, yeah?"

"Gonna need more than that, mate", I say, raising my eyebrows at him.

"Merlin, um...Wait, okay, that's the law that states that to find an antidote for a potion - a blended potion - you shouldn't only find the individual antidotes...for each potion that was used in the concoction...", he starts slowly, waiting for approval.

I nod encouragingly, urging him on.

"And we must find the...the single ingredient which, when added to the blended antidotes, transforms them...into a combined whole...which will counteract the entire blended poison...", he trails off, frustrated.

"That's right", I beam at him, flipping to another page.

His eyes light up, but he tries to hide his surprise, combing his hand through his hair again.

I try to tear my gaze away from his every action, from every aspect of his utopian perfection as I ask him again, "Okay, how about Amortentia?"

He chuckles and flashes another beautiful smirk that targets my unprepared self. "The potion that makes people fall in love? I really don't need that", he dismisses, winking at me.

My heart skips a beat, and I can feel my shivering hands freeze. He's right, Potions may not be his strong suit, but reeling in adoration for him was. I should know.

Disregarding my thoughts, I correct him, "It doesn't make you fall in love. It triggers you unbearable infatuation or obsession. But no, not love"

Sirius rolls his eyes, his face falling. "What's the difference?"

"Infatuation is unreasoning desire. It's selfishly uncontrollable and usually short lived. It's basically just reckless commitment being caused by the brain chemistry being triggered by physical attraction and conditional want", I say, as if it was the simplest thing I could ever learn to fathom.

Curiosity grows in Sirius expression. "Wow, that was very...profound", he says with a confused smile. "And what exactly is love, genius?", he insists, the cockiness sparking back.

I look at him as I hear the question.

Love is inevitable. Love is unconditional and irresistible. It clings to you indefinitely and trying to get rid of it when you shouldn't is the quickest route to an unstable realm of emotion. It survives, if not conquers, hurdles and formidable conflicts. It is unyielding commitment and constant security. It endures all it should endure, even when it is unrequited.

It's the way I stay up every night to proofread his essays. The way Amortentia smells like his hair and the wooden planks of the Shrieking Shack from the full moon I woke up to him holding my hand and telling me it was okay. The way I can find every color shimmer from his gray eyes. The way I have already been late in Ancient Runes for 13 times this month alone because I walked him to Care Of Magical Creatures before heading to class. The way I sit behind him in class, to his diagonal right, because that's where you could get the best view of his lip corner's mischievous little curl whenever he tries not to laugh. The way the first thing I think of when I am on the brink of turning during a full moon is "I hope I don't hurt him".

"Moony, you there? I wasn't really serious about the question, don't hurt yourself", he chuckles.

His voice snaps me out of my thoughts. I look at him wearily and smile.

"You know, I give up, none of this makes sense to me", he says, standing up and gathering his books.

I look at him, not surprised at his characteristic impatience . "And what, just fail the practical tomorrow?"

Packing away his things, he laughs. "I'll read up on your notes later. Now come on, let's head up to the common room"

I stand up and nod, stuffing some of my notes into his bag. "No, wait, I've been meaning to borrow a copy of this book on Newt Scamander", I say, suddenly remembering.

Sirius narrows his eyes, "You're not even taking Care Of Magical Creatures anymore".

"Yeah, but you and James are, and I'll probably need some references when you guys start asking for help in a class I'm not in anymore", I remark, smirking and heading to the back rows of the library.

"Well, someone's prepared", I hear him say behind me, amusement in his voice.

I walk to the biographies section, facing a tall, dusty bookshelf. Fingering, through the spines, I keep my sleepy eyes peeled for the book I need. A few other books catch my eye, like titles on Nicholas Flamel and the founders of Hogwarts, and I pull them off the shelves. Before I know it, I'm carrying a heavy stack of books in my right arm, barely balancing them, and still trying to locate the Newt Scamander book with my left.

Footsteps creeping behind me break the silence and make me jump, sending all the hardbound books to the floor.

I turn to see Sirius, entertained and confused, grinning at me.

"Sometimes I forget how dorky you can be", he judges as he crouched down to pick the books up.

I look at him, feeling helpless. "Thanks", I reply and he stands, effortlessly carrying the books in his well-toned arms.

"No prob-", he stops, taking a look at the titles I've picked out. "Merlin, Remus, you don't even need half of these, you know"

"I like to read, okay", I say defensively.

"Which is why I don't know why I'm still surprised about how bloody smart you are" he says, walking away. "Come on, let's go and you can show me some of this rubbish in the common room, just in case it makes me all brainy too"

A big smile breaks out my face as I follow him.


	4. Of Dorm Rooms And Missed Dates

Next to a towering stack of books, I lie on my four-poster bed, scanning through a chapter on Levina Monkstanley. It was an early Saturday afternoon and there are only three of us in the dorm. Sirius, having been awake at four in the morning to sneak dungbombs into the Slytherin dungeons, was still fast asleep and snoring underneath his heavy sheets. Peter, on the other hand, was crawling back and forth, his pudgy hands feeling around the floor.

"Hey, Remus, have you seen my wand around?"

I push my hair out of my eyes and look up from my book . "Oh, okay, It's somewhere around James' bed, Peter", I tell him as I shut my book and walk over to the pile of discarded Quidditch robes next to his bed. Crouching down, I reach under them and retrieve Peter's wand. I stand back up and toss it to him. "James was playing with it again last night, I think", I say, flopping myself down my bed again,as he catches it.

"Thanks", he mutters, as he makes his way towards the door. He reaches for the doorknob, but then turns around with a panicked expression.

I chuckle at the all too familiar with that look on his face. "What now, Wormtail?"

"I promised I would wake Sirius up by now...H-he told me that I -"

I cut him off before he could continue blubbering, "I'll wake him up, Peter, it's alright"

A wave of relief washes over his tensed up face as he leaves the room.

Sitting up, I grab one of the pillows behind me and throw it at Sirius. He shifts a little but doesn't open his eyes and just mumbles to himself, still half asleep.

"Oi! Padfoot!", I shout at him.

He groans and takes the pillow I threw at him to cover his face. I roll my eyes, and stride to his bed, which was facing Peter's. He's still tossing and turning, muttering as he drifts in and out of consciousness.

I shake him awake and pull the covers away from him, which was a bad move.

He only had a pair of slacks on, everything else completely bare. I stand there, frozen, as he curses at the sudden cold. Trying to peel my eyes off his muscled torso and his toned arms turns out more difficult as I thought.

"Lupin, you git! It's freezing!", he yells with emphasis on each syllable.

"Get up, Sirius. It's half past three", I say calmly, trying to pretend that I am unfazed by the gorgeous sight in front of me.

"Merlin, Remus, it's a Saturday", he grumbled, shivering. Sirius sits up, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

"Yeah, well, Wormtail was worrying about waking you up so..." I trail off, shrugging, as I sit in James' bed.

The crease in his eyebrows showed his confusion, trying to remember. Then, a look of comprehension appears on his face

"Bloody hell", he utters, digging the heels of his clenched fists into his sluggish - but still stunning - eyes, as he drops back down to his bed on his back.

I raise my eyebrows, bewildered at his reaction. Since when has Sirius ever concerned himself with waking up late? The only times he ever did worry about it were the times he was late for-...Oh. Of course.

"So who's the girl?", I ask him routinely.

He uncovers his eyes and, turning to me, props himself up on his elbows. "Margaret Kerrigan", he states dismally. "I was supposed to meet her over an hour ago outside the Great Hall."

"Why is this the first time I've heard of her?", I quiz him jokingly, trying to hide the jealousy in my voice.

"Because you're always too busy reading up on nearly-dead people to ever notice girls", he quipped, smiling, as he nods toward the tall pile of hardbounds on my bed.

Margaret Kerrigan, Ravenclaw's Quidditch team captain, is an attractive redhead I have had Arithmancy with for the past three years. I've never talked to her aside from the time she sat next to me in class to ask about James in fourth year. My knowledge only extends to the fact she frustratingly intelligent, her dazzling blue eyes were enough to reel in any boy she wanted, and that she was irritatingly funny.

"I know Margaret, Sirius. You know what I mean", I say, trying to keep my tone light.

"Yeah, yeah", he mutters, sitting up and pulling open one of the drawers next to his bed. He grabs a blue sweater and slips into it. He pushes his onyx hair out of his clean-cut face and sighs, "I don't know, I just kind of noticed her now, you know? Thought it was worth a try?"

"How'd you guys meet if you just noticed her now? I mean, I know we have you don't have any classes with her, and you have never really talked to her right?" The calmness in my voice is gradually sounding faker and faker.

"Yeah well after acing my make up test in Potions after dinner yesterday - Oh, thanks by the way, mate", he adds, winking at me and taking away my unease for a fraction of a second. He continues, "Anyway, yeah, after the practical I went out to the pitch to meet up with James to tell him about the extra dungbombs I bought off Philip Hearthborne from Hufflepuff for the prank we pulled early this morning. The Gryffindor and Ravenclaw practice schedules got mixed up and I reckon James settled for a friendly practice game - she's an amazing Chaser, by the way. So after the practice, I was walking up to James, who was talking to Margaret. He introduced us, and we got along." He shrugs it off.

I feel more and more discomfort creep up my spine as he talks about her. Forcing a smile on my frozen face, I gather enough composure to speak. "So, what are you gonna do now that you're late for your...date?"

"Not a date", he corrects nonchalantly. "We were just gonna study together. And I haven't got a clue, I guess I can just catch up with her during breakfast on Monday. I'm not really up to facing a miffed girl on a Saturday."

I try to stop myself from letting a relieved smile take over my face. "Oh, okay", I mumble.

Before I could open my mouth to start talking, I hear the door crack open. Sirius and I turn the direction of the noise to see James walk into the dorm.

James, with another stolen Snitch clutched tightly by his hand, halts at the sight of us talking. "Am I interrupting something?"

"Nah", Sirius replies, standing up. "I was just gonna nick some food from the kitchen. Haven't eaten all day."

"Well that's the kind of thing that happens when you sleep through breakfast and lunch, Sirius", James retorts as he walks over to us and sits next to me.

"How could you not? We got up at four, remember?", Sirius defends as he grabs his wand from under his pillow and shoves it into his pocket. "I'll see you two in a while?"

"Yeah", James and I chime in unison.

"Oh, Remus", Sirius suddenly says, turning to me. "I think you fell asleep on one of your essays again. You've got a smudge of ink on your cheek", he mentions, gesturing to my face.

I blush and my hand flies to my cheek as I try to rub it off.

"No, it's still there, near your lips, on the -"

But before he could finish his sentence, he gives up and reaches over my face. He tilts my chin up and rubs the ink off with his thumb, which slightly brushed against my lips.

I stiffen as the feel of his touch on my skin - on my lips, even - creeps up my spine. I feel warmth in the exact spots his rough fingers made such staggering contact with, speeding my heart up and making my stomach flip. His hands were coarse, but still radiated comfort that I needed. The sensation he gave off sent my head into chaos, but I, hiding his paralyzing effect on me, just contain myself enough to manage out an "Oh, thanks".

"Yeah, okay. So anyway, see you two later", he says as he backs away from us.

"Sure", I responded, my shaky voice almost in a whisper, as I ignore James, who was biting down his lower lip to keep himself from laughing.

Sirius walks away, grabbing a jumper from James's bed in the process. The second Sirius closes the door behind him, James falls back onto his bed, clutching his stomach as he erupts in laughter.

I frown and hit him with one of the pillows. His roar decreased into chuckles and, taking deep breaths, he eventually controlled himself enough to sit back up, grinning at me.

"Oh, Moony, sometimes I wonder how thick Padfoot has to be to not decode the look on your face whenever he touches you", he says with a tone of mock-contemplation.

"Tell me again why I told you about this", I mutter, glaring at him.

He answers in an instant, "Because, my dearest Remus, you know that I'll support you no matter what, I can help you get him, if you just let me try, and if thirteen-year-old you decided against telling me about this attraction, you'd have no one to talk to about this." His grin grows as he knows that I can see his point. He lies down again and adds, "So if you have further questions, please wait until after my nap because I am knackered."

I stand up, chuckling. James always knew how to make these perplexing feelings seem lighthearted.

I lay myself down my bed and crack open another book to no particular page. James, from under the blankets he tucked himself in, coos at me jokingly, "I looooove you, my little lovestruck one! Goodnight!"

"Shut up, you arse", I reply from behind the covers of book, still smiling to myself as I can still feel the warm sensitivity pulse through the corner of my lips that felt Sirius' touch.


	5. Expound

Professor Slughorn happily drones on about the ingredients of Veritaserum and where to find substances that can act as alternatives as I take notes robotically, barely paying attention. My eyes are glued to the samples Slughorn is holding up, but my thoughts are circling nonstop on the spot where Sirius' hand is resting on my knee. I catch myself writing the same line over and over again on my parchment.

"What?", I finally respond through gritted teeth.

"I've been thinking", he starts with an unsure tone in his voice.

"That's definitely newsworthy"

His hand leaves my knee and he ribs me hard, hitting a bad bruise.

"Bloody fucki-"

"Lupin, Black, care to share with us?"

"We'd rather not, Sir", Sirius replies, beaming up at him.

I sigh, burying my face behind my propped up Advanced Potions book as I hear James, who was seated at Sirius' other side, snicker indiscreetly. He earns another glare from Slughorn.

"I suppose I can let that quip go if one of you three can actually tell me what my discussion is about", he says calmly.

"Veritaserum, Sir", I recite immediately. "It's the powerful truth serum that forces the consumer to answer anything truthfully. It lacks properties like color and odor, and is almost indistinguishable from water. This potion is controlled by the Ministry of Magic because it is used for interro-"

"Okay, okay, ", Slughorn cuts me off. He chuckles and says, "That's enough to save your friends. Again. Not though", he adds, gesturing to an asleep Wormtail next to me. Tell him to see me after dinner, will you?" He turns around to list down the proper procedure in brewing the serum.

Sirius leans in close, too close for my comfort, and whispers, "My hero."

I roll my eyes and nudge him away from me. "You bloody git, what would you do without me?"

"Well," James starts, his face in mock-uncertainty, "I guess we'd be forced to break out our natural charm, eh, Sirius?"

Sirius nods in a fake air of consideration. "Definitely, James. But I think that wouldn't be very fair to our fellow classmates. Evans wouldn't be able to keep her hands off you", he says cockily as he and James turn around to grin at Lily.

Lily narrowed her green almond-shaped eyes at them. "How Remus manages to put with you three", she starts, flashing a look at Peter, who was drooling on his book, "was the one thing I couldn't solve in all my years at Hogwarts."

"You and I both, Lils", I affirm. Much to James' annoyance, I was the only Marauder Lily liked and actually had normal conversations with. Being the prefect I had constant night patrol shifts with, she was the only person other than the Marauders I spent a significant amount of time with.

Lily laughs and winks at me before returning her attention to the lecture.

Sirius turns to me, raising his eyebrows. "What was that about?"

"What was what?"

"You were flirting with Evans." His tone was a formidable mixture of anger and annoyance.

"Woah, there, Pads, I was not-"

"She was winking and giggling and all that", he mutters, irritated.

"Well ask _her_ about that. Why are you so-"

James cuts in before I can finish. "Will you two shut it?"

"Moony here was flirting with Evans", Sirius informs him with a concerned expression.

James takes one look at me and stifles a laugh.

Sirius frowns. "That wasn't the reaction I was expecting."

James, shaking his head, just replies, "Trust me, Padfoot, Lily isn't exactly Remus' type"

I glare at him, casting a warning look. He grins and draws his focus back to the page of the textbook he was doodling on.

"Whatever, mates", he says, his frustration still obvious. "Anyway, Remus, I was gonna talk to you about Friday night", he says, composing himself and turning to me. "The night of your...er, problem? Well yeah, James' has a late night practice for the game the next morning and Peter has detention-"

"Yeah, I know. We agreed I could take care myself for one night, remember?"

"Well, I was thinking, that although none of us have ever taken care of you alone, maybe I could still-"

"Not a chance", I say, laughing bitterly.

"No, Remus, hear me out, mate-"

"Not. A. Chance", I repeat, stressing each word.

Sirius opens his mouth to protest before Slughorns voice fills the room once more.

"So, that's it for today, class. Take note of your assignment on the board and read chapter eight of your textbook. Oh, and Miss Evans, may I please have a word with you?"

A chorus of chairs scraping against the floor and heavy murmuring of students arises.

Sirius, lowering his voice as waves of Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs bustle to head to dinner, mutters, "I can do this, Remus, I don't want you to be alone."

"I've transformed alone before, if you've forgotten", I say as I stand up and start to walk out the classroom, craning my neck to spot James and Peter in the crowd of sixth years.

I feel a hand on my shoulder as I walk among the bunch of students in the hallway and I sigh, turning around.

"For the last time, Sirius-", I blurt before I could register James and Peter standing in front of me.

"Oh."

"Yep, not Sirius", Peter pipes in, looking worried.

"Uh-huh." We start walking together.

"So, care to tell me why you walked out on him just for offering to keep you company?", James asks, subconsciously ruffling his hair as Lily passes.

"Because it's a stupid offer."

Peter looks up at me, concerned. "Look, he's just worried-"

"I can take care of myself"

"Barely", James mumbles.

"Bugger off"

"Look," he starts, "I know you've done this alone, but not in the past year. That's why we went through, you know, the transformations. You have grown accustomed to company. And care. And if you-"

"Stop it, James." I wave him off. "Yeah, okay, you guys leep me company and it means the world to me, really. But a lonely wolf is just...well, lonely. Not more prone to more damage that it already is."

Peter turns to me, looking guilty. "Actually, Remus..."

I raise my eyebrows as I stop walking, making Peter and James halt as well.

"What is it?"

James sighs and turns to Peter. "I think I should expound everything to him. Go catch up with Padfoot at dinner. We'll meet you two at the dorm."

Peter takes another sad look at me and scurries off to dinner.

I narrow my eyes, "Merlin, James, you're scaring me. What is this all-"

"C'mere", he mutters as he walks towards an empty classroom, gesturing me to follow.

* * *

I feel my stomach twist sharply. Tears start to brim my eyebags. My bony palms press flat in the surface of the teacher's table behind me to steady myself.

James is standing in front of me, shirt unbuttoned, revealing an uncountable amount of deep gashes, pink stripes of scars, bad scratches, and prominent bruises.

"James...Did I...I-"

My mouth is going dry as every second that I am looking at the sight before me passes. Not being able to speak, I watch him leaned down to roll up his trousers to his knees. More wounds.

Standing back up, James looks at me, nervous and concerned.

My jaw hangs, my hands shivering. I push myself up to sit on the table, elbows propped up on my knees as I bury my face in my hands. "What are you trying to tell me?", I mumble into my balled up fists.

"What I'm trying to tell you is...", he utters awkwardly as I unearth my eyes from my palms, watching him tug down the legs of his trousers into place. "Peter and I read this book when we were researching for an essay from when we had our third year lesson on werewolves...There was this chapter that talked about how werewolves in the adolescence are sure to lose more control...

"I reckon we figured that much out already, but then we also read about how that pent up agitation drives the wolf to hurt himself. We got concerned." He pauses and adds, "Concerned is an understatement."

My mind shoots in a million directions, trying to grasp everything. "I didn't know that", I admit meekly, feeling foolish and burdening,. "But, I don't understand what that has to do with your..."

"Wounds?", he finishes. He buttons up his shirt, stepping forward to sit beside me. "Yeah well, we got worried, so we researched - imagine us three, researching without you - on how to lessen the damage...Because well most werewolves who were changed before their adolescence...Well, frankly, they don't usually make it."

A cold rush creeps up my skin as all indicators of having blood leaves my face. Pale and unable to move, I feel James's arm sling around my shoulders. I ease a little.

"So we looked it up," he continues carefully, "and do you remember when we decided to transform into Animagi because 'werewolves seemed better off with company'? Well, we sort of sugarcoated our reason...We found that werewolves cause a lot let pain when they can project their violence onto something else. Something living, something whose energy they can feed off. Animals."

I snap, tear drops now rushing down my hallow cheeks. I open my mouth, trying to speak, but nothing comes out. Reduced to heavy sobs, I let James bury my face onto his shoulder. His embrace tightens as I try to compose myself to mumble an apology.

"Don't be. Every scar was worth it. We all think so."

"T-Thanks..."

He continues holding me as my breathing grows lighter. We stay like that for a while until he breaks the comforting silence.

"You know", he says in careful voice, "if we don't let go now someone might walk in and figure out you're deep in the closet."

I pull away and, despite the tears still spilling over, punch him in the shoulder, chuckling softly. "Arse."

He grins at me. "I love you too, mate", he quips, winking at me.

I wipe away my tears, now beaming at him. "Let's go dinner, you git."

He shakes his head and hops off the table. "Too late for that, Moony. Let's go nick some food from the kitchen and head up to common room so you can apologize to your lover", he teases, pulling me towards the door.

"After you apologize to me for introducing him to that Margaret girl", I reply, half-kidding.

"She went through a fit because of him standing her up last Saturday. Pretty sure that's taken care of", he says, smirking.

I laugh as he drags me out the room.

My heart feels a lot heavier than it did a few hours ago, but as James and I put tumble into the common room with our arms full with a variety of sandwiches, pies and treacle tarts, grinning wide enough to earn a relieved and approving dimple-clad smile from Sirius on the sofa, none of the extra weight mattered that much.


	6. Burning Sensations

"Soooo, James tells me Kerrigan went barking mad about you standing her up last Saturday?", I tease, raising my eyebrows at Sirius.

It's two in the morning, and it has been quite a night.

After James and I made up for missing dinner with our stolen food, he went up to the dorm to sleep, knackered from one of his before-sunrise Quidditch practices. Peter, having given up on the Potions essay Slughorn assigned, followed. Which left me and Sirius, inevitably falling into a deep,hushed conversation, as the common room started emptying, about everything James had told me after Potions class.

The discussion solicited more tears and shakiness from my end, with extra comfort in return. We talked all throughout the passing hours, the conversation getting lighter as the time fled and finally landed back into our usual state of jokes and friendly bickering.

Somewhere along the way, Sirius crept up to our dorm, coming back carrying two generous bottles of Firewhiskey. He just held them up and simply said "My dad isn't good at hiding places and it's been a long night". Considering everything I've heard in the past few hours, that was more than enough to reduce me to taking the first mouthful of the burning drink.

That's how we ended up here, alone in the common room, taking. We're sitting cross legged, in front of the blazing fire that mitigated the chilly night, side by side, leaning back on the sofa. My head is starting to feel dizzy and I can feel the overwhelming warmth taking over my body as I wait for Sirius, who was already popping the second bottle open, to respond.

He nods thoughtfully as he takes another swig of the Firewhiskey. "Uh-huh, well", he slurs slowly, "she was not...my type anyway."

"Aaaand why is that?", I ask, too intoxicated to hide the huge smile of relief on my face.

"She's...her", he says matter-of-factly. "All feminine and whiny and...feminine. She's good at Quidditch at least, I'll give her that."

I chuckle, confused, and down another dose of Firewhiskey. Forcing down the burning liquid down my throat in a gulp, I tell him, "If you're gonna keep shagging every girl in school then you're gonna have to get used to feminine."

"I haven't shagged anyone in a while actually", he says softly before yawning.

"In a while as in the past week?", I mock, pressing one of my hands against the floor for balance, the other bringing the bottle to my lips for another drink.

"In the past eight months."

I choke on the liquid, sputtering and coughing.

"I'm insulted by your surprised reaction. Doubtful?", he says, calmly, with a lazy smirk on his face.

My eyes widen, the effect of the Firewhiskey not helping my baffled thoughts.

"B-but...all the girls you took out. Your cocky shagging jokes...The-"

Winking, he cuts me off, "All for show, Moony."

"I don't get it...", I say in defeat as I watch him ingest another strong dose.

"I just don't feel like it I guess. I mean the girls here are nice looking and everything but they just aren't worth all the meaningless one night stands and draining excuses. It's frustrating", he whines, pouting.

I laugh, still not believing him. "Didn't know you felt like that about the girls at school. Maybe you should try jumping a bloke's bones for once."

Sirius raises his eyebrows at me and I freeze, trying to replay in my mind what I just said. Did I really say that? Bloody hell. How exactly do I take that back? I'll just pretend it's a joke. Blimey. This is what I get for being within a yard radius of both Firewhiskey and a very alluring Black.

"I mean, like-", I attempt to recover before he interrupts.

"Yeah, I should. I've always thought what that would be like", he says nonchalantly as he throws his head back, chugging down the remaining contents of the bottle before setting it aside.

My heartbeat speeds up and my hands get clammy.

"Funny", I manage out, faking a sarcastic tone.

He shakes his head in exaggeration as he shifts himself in front me so that we are now sitting face to face. "No, no. I'm serious."

"Yes you are", I reply immediately.

"That joke's getting old", he says, making a show of himself rolling his eyes.

"So are you."

"Yeah, I _am_ getting old. Which is why I should at least try being with a bloke. At least once, I reckon."

I try to hide my overriding mix of emotions. "You can get any bloke you want, Pads. Just pick one and I'll be here waiting as you figure out whether you're an utter queer or not", I tease, sticking my tongue out childishly.

"Who would you pick?", he asks, laughing at my remark.

I laugh. "I'm not answering that, you arse. We're dealing with _your _crisis here. How about James? Peter?", I tease.

He cringes, snickering. "No thanks."

The alcohol gives me enough of a boost to joke "What about me?" in a tone of mock confidence.

"I would", he instantly replies with a straight face which I can only assume is fake.

"Haha, very-"

"I would"

"Yeah, sure, oka-"

"I would"

"Right, look -"

"I would"

Getting frustrated, I mutter, "Will you just quit it, Pad-"

Before I could finish saying his nickname, he leans forward, his lips come crashing down on mine. His warm hand cupping my face, the other on my thigh, steadying himself.

A jolt travels throughout my body, every part of me stiffening. My eyes are wide open, trying to take in what's happening right in front of me.

He breathes heavily between kisses, and I feel myself melting, giving in, my eyelids fluttering to a close. I slide my hand up his chest as I return the kiss with more eagerness, drowning myself in the ecstasy of his soft lips. His hand on my thigh clutches tighter, sparking every nerve, as the passion grows.

Trying to avoid getting thrown out of balance, we untangle our crossed legs and find ourselves on our knees, our lips still colliding and not a single inch of our shivering torsos not touching. I part my lips slightly, copying his, feeling his tongue snake through, amplifying the heat he poured into every kiss. He stops cupping my face as his hand grabs the back of my head, pushing me closer, as if there was more space between us to fill. I throw my arms around his neck, pulling him tighter against me.

Our kisses intensify, with every fleeting second. Grabbing any trace of each other we could reach, every aspect of our magnified fervor grows even more urgent and just when it seems like the frenzy that was devouring us could go on for an eternity and more, we pull away.

I stare at him with wide eyes, fazed and thrown back from what just happened to see his face as stunned and dumbfounded as mine. He opens his mouth, as if to speak and then closes it.

I rub my temples roughly as I move up to sit on the sofa. With my elbows resting on my knees, I look at him, worried. He stands up and starts pacing back and forth, his hands running through his silky hair, panic evident in his beautiful gray eyes.

"Sirius...", I manage, a crack evident in my voice.

"Bloody fucking hell", he mutters, still pacing.

"Look-"

Before I can start, he halts in front me, and rubs his eyes fiercely with the heels of his hands. I look at the floor, my head pounding.

"Merlin, Moony, I'm so fucking sorry I just-"

"Yeah, I know, just-"

"Blimey, I can't do this."

By time I look up, he's already disappearing through the portrait hole.


	7. The Best

A/N: Hello guys! I haven't thanked any of you for your support so far, so here I am, letting you know that I appreciate it very much. I know there are only a few of you, but every review, every follow, every favorite makes me want to write more and more. Please stick around and don't hesitate to leave me any questions or opinions. Your reviews fuel me, and each one I get, the faster I get to writing because you guys backing me up means the world to me :) So anyway, yeah, happy reading and please review! This chapter is a bit longer than the the others, so I hope you enjoy! xx

* * *

"Hey Remus, I think I left my wand in the common, mind if I go ahead?", Peter asks from his bed next to mine as he reaches down to knot his shoelaces.

"Oh, yeah, sure", I say, absentmindedly brushing my pinky finger against my lips as I lean on one of the posts of Peter's bed.

I watch him leave as my eyes are stinging with fatigue and I struggle to keep them open. Only a handful of hours have passed since I had found myself on the common room floor, dimly lit by the fireplace, snogging Sirius Black. My head is too hungover and in the state of utter shock to wrap around the idea that it even happened. That it wasn't some figment of my imagination. From the moment I had woken up, I have been looking for loopholes in the memory. Some sign that it was some sort of a fabrication I had formed through my overflow of delusion that Sirius could actually want me. I But I couldn't pass it off like that at all. Not even with the fact I was heavily intoxicated. Not when the first thing I noticed as soon as my eyes flew open almost an hour ago was the way my jumper smelled like his scent of sandalwood and wet grass. The second was the taste of treacle pies, the ones he took from my pile of stolen treats before I could have a single bite, and Firewhiskey in my mouth. The third was the sight of the empty four-poster bed across Peter's which didn't look like it's been slept in.

As much as kissing those enticing, full lips and tracing every part of his toned body were things of fantasies I have conjured over the past few years, I never wanted it to be like this. The fact that it took two bottles of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey for us to get there didn't sound ideal. Besides, none of those fantasies were concluded with Sirius walking out on me.

"Lupin? You okay?", Frank Longbottom asks from the bathroom's doorway.

"Huh?" I turn around and snap back to reality, though my thoughts were still tugging down the corners of my mouth. "Oh yeah. Just thinking."

Frank casts me a doubtful look. "Well, if you say so. See ya at Charms."

"Yeah, see you there."

He makes his way across the room, grabbing his bag from his bed on the way and closes the door behind him, leaving me alone to my thoughts.

Heading over to my own bed, I shrug on my school robes and shake my head as to let my unkempt hair fall to my face, covering the heavy bags underneath my eyes. I bend down to stash my books and quills into my bag, trying to ignore Sirus' unwrinkled bed, wondering why he never returned to the dorm last night.

Whether it was simply because he's had too much to drink and ended up passing out on one of the sofas when he returned to the common room last night or because of what happened is beyond me. But, as I zip up my bag and sling it over my shoulder, I find myself hoping it was the former. I definitely don't like the thought that snogging me was revolting enough to keep him away from the comforts of his warm bed due to it's three-meter distance proximity from mine.

As I try to peel off my thoughts, I walk to the door, but before I could reach it, it bursts open. James, with an arm around Sirius, comes stumbling in, both of them tear-eyed in laughter.

"Seriously, Prongs!", Sirius exclaims between guffaws. "I've never seen that greasy little tosser that surprised since we went-"

He cuts himself off as he sees me, and takes James' arm off him, the latter still in a fit of snickers.

"Oh, hey, didn't know you'd be up for today, Remus. Er, good morning", he says awkwardly, struggling to maintain eye contact. "We missed you at breakfast."

Taking all I could to not cringe at his unusual formal tone, I nod. "Yeah, I...I just thought I'd sleep in for a bit."

James, who just stopped laughing now, shoots me a questioning look. "You? Sleep in? Reckoned you were ill or something. "

"Yeah, I'm just a bit knackered."

"Why, what were you up to last night?"

"I was just reading up for our Potions essay...The one due tomorrow?", I answer in a heartbeat, trying to keep my voice steady.

Raising his eyebrows, he stuffs his hand into his bag and retrieves a book. My potions book. I can feel my face drain of all color as he tosses it to my bed. "You lent it to me last night because I left mine back at the dungeons. It's been with me ever since."

"Oh...b-but I meant that...", I stammer hopelessly before I trail off.

Sirius steps in, his face all flushed as well. "Hey just leave it, Prongs. Let's head to Charms, okay?"

James, looking dumbfounded, leans back on the door frame and crosses his arms. "What's wrong with the you both?"

"Leave. It.", Sirius mutters again, looking at James pointedly.

"I just want to know what's going on! I don't exactly share the whole puppy telepathy you lot have got going here", he says, smirking. "Come on, what's wrong?"

"Nothing!", Sirius and I snap in unison, eliciting a snort from James.

James raises his arms up in defeat. "Woah there, okay, okay. No need to get your knickers in a bunch."

Sirius shakes his head, making his raven locks even more tousled. "Whatever, Prongs. Come on, let's get going."

He walks out the door, running his hand through his hair again. It's a gesture he always did when he was panicking, earning a minuscule smirk from me, even under the circumstances.

James and I, falling behind a little, walk down the stairs behind him. Still extremely curious, he mouths, "What happened?"

I narrow my eyes at him, giving him a warning look.

James sighs and mutters under his breath, "Merlin, you two are acting like you've been up all night snogging or something."

My heart skips a beat and I feel my feet root to the floor as I cringe. Cautiously looking at Sirius, I ease a little seeing he that he's far enough to not hear what James said. I feel my cheeks burning as I continue walking down the stairs, trying to compose myself.

Though, to my dismay, James notices.

He squints at me. "Honestly, what is wrong with y-"

James breaks off as we take the last step to the common room and something catches his eyes. I follow his gaze, and see two big bottles discarded to the floor.

He stops at his tracks, turning to me with his eyes wide and stunned as his jaw drops.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KID-"

Panicking, I rib him hard, shutting him up in the process, just in time as Sirius turns around, his eyebrows raised.

James, recovering, throws him a convincing smile and throws an arm around my shoulders. "Moony here was just telling me that Evans asked about me when they were patrolling the other day."

Sirius rolls his eyes, flashing a alluring genuine smile that adds to the hangover-induced weakness in my knees. "Hard not to mention you when you spent all your free periods last week stalking her, mate."

Laughing, I look at James who was shooting daggers at Sirius. "Sod off, Black."

"Come on, Prongs. _No need to get your knickers in a bunch", _he mimics James, before turning his heel and continuing to walk. "Flitwick will have our heads if we're late again", he calls over his shoulder.

James takes his arm off me, and smirks.

"Don't even say anything, Potter", I murmur, rubbing my head in a vain attempt to lessen the pounding.

"Trust me, Moony. I don't even know where to start", he says, stifling a laugh, before we quicken our pace to catch up with Sirius.

* * *

I distractedly flip through my copy of One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi, ignoring James' unyielding stare, the product of him trying to take in my narration of what happened last night. Other than us, the only other people in the people in the library are a group of Ravenclaw sixth years and Madam Pince. The latter of which has been casting James, who never spends free periods in the library unless Lily was around, suspicious looks.

"Damn, Moony. Y-you and Sirius. Snogged. My two...best mates. S-snogging. You...and Sirius...Blimey", James stammers, finding it hard to swallow every fragmented thought spilling out of his mouth. "And I thought you coming out to me in third year was surprising."

I glare at him. "Stop it, will you? Say it any louder and you'll be giving those Ravenclaws something to talk about. Skeeter's with that lot, you know."

James props his head up with one arm, his other hand tapping at the table, successfully annoying me. "And he just walked away? Where did he go?", he asks, ignoring my concern.

I shrug, still scanning through the book as if I had taken in a single paragraph. "I haven't got a clue. But from the looks of his bed this morning, he didn't sleep in the dorms last night."

James looks thoughtfully at his pile of untouched books as a look of comprehension dawns on him. "Oh, that's right, I didn't notice. When I woke up he was already dressed and was badgering me to get up and go down to breakfast with him. I wondered why he was in such a hurry to leave the dorm. He berated me for trying to wake you up as well."

"Well that's flattering, him not wanting me around", I say gloomily, looking up from my book.

James gives me a reprimanding look. "Rubbish. He's just in shock. Merlin who wouldn't be? Even _you_ were dying to get rid of him all morning."

I lean back and cross my arms, giving up on the book in front of me. "Well this is just fantastic. There goes our friendship."

"Nah, you guys will make it through, I'm sure of it."

I raise an eyebrow, curious. "Well you sound surer than usual."

James tilts his head and looks at me like I'm missing something obvious. "Moony...You and Sirius have gone through worse."

I sigh, having nothing to counter and knowing he was referring to The Prank last year. My heart tugs down at the memory. That night really took its toll on all of us, stealing away the comfort I had in Sirius for weeks. It knocked me out of my stability and nothing but bitter thoughts encompassed me. Sirius and I didn't talk for for a long time, and the only trace of acknowledgment of existence between us was the empty stares. In one night what we had evaporated.

It took a lot for me to sort out what I felt. Betrayal and anger surged through me whenever I thought about it at the time. And for Sirius, it took him a couple weeks before his stubborn pride and denial boiled down to regrets and seclusion. Both of us isolated ourselves from Peter and James, almost as much from each other.

I was already in love with him at the time, which exhausted me even more. The boy that made me feel the most alive turned into the person that made me want to collapse and never wake up. What he did was gut-wrenching and traumatizing. It shattered my trust into a million intangible pieces.

Towards the end, however, when the bitterness in me faded away and the trust was carefully rebuilding, I realized that even with all the bleak thoughts and emotions encompassing me, I never stopped loving him. It was that very fact that delayed me from patching everything up, the fear that I loved him too much for it to be healthy to get close again. So I kept the distance longer, as he continued on in confusion and consuming guilt.

But just when everything was faltering to nothing, somewhere between him awkwardly offering to help with my Defence Against The Dark Arts O.W.L.S. three months later, which was the first time we talked in that span of time, and me letting him come with James and Peter to accompany me for the next full moon,what seemed irreparable got mended into a state that looked like it was never tampered with in the first place.

Still knee-deep in memories of the year before, I feel a little hope trying to seep in. "Yeah, I guess you're right. We got through that ruddy hell, I think we can handle a drunken mistake", I say, offering him a sad smile.

James reaches over to ruffle my hair and I try to duck away, to no avail. "That's my Moony! You two will work things through, trust me. Just you wait, McGonagall will assign us another 20 inches of parchment this afternoon and he'll have to crawl back to you."

I laugh at his adamant expression. "Is that all I am to you lot? A passing grade?"

"Of course not!", James says fiercely but then adds to his retort. "When you do our homework we get way more than a passing grade, actually."

I roll my eyes and thump him on the head with one of his untouched books.

"Ow! I was just kidding!"

I snicker and set the book down. "Seriously though, you're right. Things will go back to normal. They have to."

James grins smugly. "Of course I'm right. Besides, after lunch, it'll be his turn to pull me aside and confess what happened. I'll talk him around then."

"Thanks", I offer, gratefully smiling at him.

He shrugs and winks me. "No problem, Moony."

Finally having my peace of mind, I return to my reading. But before I could even finish a sentence, James pipes up again.

"Can I ask you something though? It's kind of important if I'm gonna help you two sort everything out", he whispers in a serious tone.

I look up and see his deadpan expression and feel a little worried. "Shoot."

His blank face dissolved into a huge smile and wriggling eyebrows as he asks the question. "The snogging, was it any good?"

Not being able to help it, I laugh along with him. "You're a wanker, you know that?"

His grin grows wider and raises his eyebrows at me. "I try. Was it any good" he repeats.

I roll my eyes and give in. "The best."


	8. Class Schedules

**A/N: Hey guys, thank you for the ongoing support, I really appreciate it! Please review and leave some love, hate, suggestions, questions, whatever! Words from you guys always motivate me to write and update. I hope you all continue sticking to this story. Happy reading, you guys! xx Sam**

* * *

James and I walk out the library as our free period nears to an end. Still talking, we almost didn't notice, which is a shocker considering James, Lily Evans making her way towards us with a befuddled expression.

"Hey Lily", I greet her, which is also in behalf of James, who was too distracted by the redhead's pursed lips to manage anything out.

"Yeah, hey Rem. I was actually gonna talk to James", she says cautiously.

I snort in unison with James, who seems to be choking on nothing. I clap him on the back, chuckling at his reaction.

Lily raises an eyebrow and smirks. "I'm messing with you. You okay there, Potter?"

James, being James, instantly recovers and shoots her charming smile. "Yeah, now that you're here", he punctuates with a wink.

She scoffs, but with a smile playing on the corners of her lips. "Right. Well, anyway, Black was asking for you. Both of you, actually."

A lump in my throat forms and I start to stammer. "W-what? Why?"

Eyeing me suspiciously, she shrugs. "Beats me, I ran into him just a moment ago, panicking about where to find you. He said something about how James told him you were gonna be at the library with Remus because I was there so when he saw that I wasn't in the library, he stalked off, muttering angrily to himself and...I don't know he seemed a bit off his rocker to be honest."

Merlin, James couldn't think of a better excuse why we ditched him this free period? But then again, it was hard to be convincing when conjuring up a reason as to why James Potter would spare his vacant time in the library.

James sighs. "You know how much of a drama queen he is."

Lily grins and looks pointedly at him. "Yeah, almost as bad as you. Well, anyway, I'm heading to Divination. See you later."

She passes us and continues down the hallway as James gawks at her, his eyes fixated on the scarlet locks swishing after her.

"Damn, Remus, I swear, someday..."

"You're desperate" I say before he could finish his sentence, rolling my eyes. I tug on him sleeves until he continues walking alongside me.

"Well I'm sorry but I haven't gotten some action in a long time, unlike some people I know" he retorts with a mocking smile on his face.

"Shut it, Prongs" I warn, glaring at him.

"So cranky. You really should avoid hangovers on the days prior to the full moon, my furry little friend."

I scowl at him once more, causing him to laugh.

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry, Moony. Just teasing." We stop at the intersections of two corridors as students whose classes have just finished start filling up the hallways. He points to the left, hitching his bag strap higher onto his shoulder. "I'm gonna go meet Peter for Ancient Runes. What have you got next?"

I pale as a realization dawns on me.

"Muggle Studies. With Sirius."

James shoots me a sympathetic smile. "It'll be okay, mate. Tell me what happens later, yeah?"

I nod grimly. "Sure", I mutter.

He gives me a reassuring pat on the shoulder and heads the other direction. When he reaches the stairs, he starts up them in a hurry, probably hoping to run into Lily on the way.

* * *

By the time I reach the first floor hallway, I pause. Over the heads of the younger students crowding the hallway, I see Sirius waiting outside the classroom. He's got one foot hitched up the wall he's leaning back on with his hands stuffed in his pockets. Classic Sirius Black stance. As he sees me, he looks a bit off guard but flashes me an uneasy smile and waves anyway.

I feel my heart rate pick up it's speed and my skin prickling as I walk towards him.

"Hey Remus" he says stiffly, albeit with a charmingly confused grin.

"Hey" I mutter, as we proceed into the classroom. The only ones there so far are two Hufflepuff girls and the person they're talking to, Alice, all of which were already seated at the front row.

Sirius and I take our usual seats in the back corner of the room.

I clumsily set my bag down, retrieving my parchment and quill for notes. Yawning, as the sleepiness and fatigue of last night's events make themselves present again, I flip my copy of_ Conventions and Limitations of Non-magical Folk _open in front of me and try to read the assign chapter.

..._The dependence of Muggles on Public Transport is something magical folk cannot relate to due to the presence of wizardry in the latter's community. Whereas wizards find travel an easy feat, Muggles who do not have their own private form of transportation or wish to spend less of their money on it, resort to a transport service that is made available to the general public. Most of these work around the schedule of-_

I shut my book, frustrated. There was no way I could focus on this now, not when I could see Sirius casting weary glances at me in my peripheral vision nor when the topic we're required to master is something I've grown up around, with a Muggle for a mother and everything.

I ignore the rest of the students filling in as my mind darts back to the first day of Sixth Year. I feel like kicking myself as I remember Sirius, who has always been surrounded by his family of pureblood maniacs, bouncing about, excited about taking Muggle Studies N.E.W.T. levels. Taking the class started off as something to anger his mom about. Not only did he achieve his goal at sending his mother into a fit, but his fondness for the Muggle world grew. And I, who, at the time, was distracted by the elation in his voice and the beautiful light in his eyes when he talked about the class, agreed to take the N.E.W.T. levels with him when he started whining about not wanting to take it alone.

Groaning, both because of the memory and the returning headache from last night, I bury my face into my crossed arms on the table.

"Good morning, class!" a voice exclaims from the front of the classroom, loud enough to amplify the migraine, and I raise my head in a jump.

Sirius, obviously having the same problem, mutters angrily under his breath and rubs his temples, glaring at Professor Quirrell.

The professor was fresh out of Hogwarts, having finished his studies only a few years ago. So, at his young age and first year of teaching, he was rather cheery all the time. This was, of course, never a problem, until now as Sirius and I flinch at his high, pitchy voice, stabbing at our headaches with every syllable.

"Fucking hell" Sirius sighs, as he opens his book. He glues his eyes to the paragraphs, underlining and jotting down messy notes on the margins in accordance to whatever Quirrel was saying, although still cringing at the pain in his head.

I feel tempted to just ask him about last night. How much does he remember? What did it mean? What do we do about it now? Are we just going to forget it ever happened? The thoughts keep circling my mind, badgering me endlessly. But before I could speak, I see the look of concentration of his face. The same expression he gets when he and James stay up all night plotting pranks. Eyes relaxed, but fixated and eyebrows slightly lifted as he absentmindedly chews on the inside of his right cheek.

Not wanting to disrupt the trance I rarely saw in him during classes, much less during hangovers, I just sigh and lean back on my chair.

Why am I in such a rush to talk about it when, surely, it doesn't mean anything? We've got nothing to define and nothing to clarify except for the fact that it was one hell of a drunken mistake. As much as I loved it - really, really loved it - I need to hear him tell me that it held no truth or explanation before wishful thinking drowns me in its merciless pit.

From the corner of my eye, I see his face light up at the mention of motorcycles and its uses and I suppress a smile. I spend the next hour pretending to listen about cabs and Muggle bus stations and pretending that my thoughts aren't focused on the spot where our knees are barely touching under the table.

* * *

_"In eight inches of parchment, state examples of how muggle vehicles comply with The Third Law of Motion when in action."_

As Professor Quirell dismisses us, I jot down our homework assignment hurriedly down my notebook as Sirius awkwardly hovers me, waiting for me to finish. I close my notebook, stashing it into my bag with my quill and book, and stand to face Sirius. Seeing that we are the only ones left in the room, I feel uneasy.

"So," I start, a feigned casual tone in my voice, "lets head down to lunch?"

He gives me a tight smile. "Yeah, let's go."

I return his smile and head to the door, then stopping when I notice that he isn't next to me and hear a thud. Turning around, I see Sirius crouched on the floor with quills, books, parchments and his thick green notebook scattered on the floor. I rush to him, kneeling in front of him as he clumsily tries to stack his books, not voicing out my bewilderment at his unusual neglect of just using magic to fix the mess. I gather his quills in a bunch and hand them to him, failing at keeping my cheeks from burning as our fingers barely brush.

His discarded bag next to him catches my eye and I spot a huge rip. I grab it as he busies himself with collecting the rolls of parchment sprawled on the floor. Taking out my wand, I point at the hacked bag with a circling motion. "_Reparo_."

Sirius glances at his mended bag and looks at me before starting to pack his quills and parchments into it. "Thanks", he offers.

"No problem". I reach over to his surprisingly large stack of books, quickly scanning the titles. Not being able to resist a smile, I look up at him. "Since when did you do extra reading?"

Sirius eyes me and breaks into a snicker. "I'm almost offended at how shock you seem."

"Can you blame me?" I counter playfully, beaming at him. He smiles back at me, and at that moment everything seemed back in place.

But that moment ended as the now-familiar tension revisits us.

Sirius must feel this too as he clears his throat. "So, ah, we should get going to the Great Hall now, yeah?"

"Yeah." I grab half of his books, and drop them into my own bag, handing the rest to him. "I'll carry the others for you, you seem hassled with the extra weight. Besides, I have a free period after lunch while you lot are at Care of Magical Creatures. I'll leave these on your bed while I'm at the dorm."

"Yeah, okay" he says, standing up and extending his hand to me.

Reluctantly, I take it, and push myself off from the floor.

"Ah, thanks."

With a strained smile, he just nods.

We spend too much time worrying about what to say next that it takes us several more seconds to break apart after we realize he was still holding my hand.


	9. Skipping Care For Magical Creatures

**A/N: Hey guys, I'm sorry it's taking me a while to update. If you've heard about the typhoon that hit the Philippines, then you can understand that internet has been hard to come by the past few days. So thanks for you guys who still have me on your alert lists ;) Hope you like this one! Enjoy!**

* * *

I close the door behind me and toss my bag on the floor before flopping down my bed, face-first.

My stomach grumbles, the result of me leaving the table way too early. I thought I could handle lunch, what with James and Peter being there, I wouldn't be required to talk as much. I was wrong.

Of course, Sirius had a similar idea too. So we both sat in front of James and Peter, in total silence that did not go unnoticed. Peter wouldn't stop badgering us about what's wrong until Sirius lost his temper and snapped at the poor boy. James on the other hand weakly tried to steer the conversation and focus away from our strange behavior, which only made things more difficult to ignore.

Sitting next to Sirius is more of a challenge during meals, the time slots for our usual bantering. This time, I couldn't resort to fixating my eyes on my notes or listening to the teacher. Our elbows kept bumping against each other and asking one another to pass certain platters felt like a burdening chore.

We endured it, ignoring the worried glance from James across us, until Peter groaned and said "What's wrong with you guys? It's like you're an old couple giving each other the silent treatment." With that, Sirius just shot him a murderous glare as James choked on his pumpkin juice.

Sighing, and not wanting to explain anything, I hastily excused myself and hurried up the Gryffindor tower.

How long is this strain between me and Sirius supposed to last? It feels like I'm stuck between two options. Either I could confront him and most probably amplify the discomfort and unease, or I could ignore it, which, to be honest, hasn't been proving to be successful so far. Neither of which will yield positive results.

I lift my head to look at the clock on my nightstand. There was still 20 minutes left for lunch in addition to my following one hour free period. Feeling drained from the night before and the ongoing anxiety about Sirius, I let myself to drift into a deep sleep, abandoning my Sirius-centric thoughts even for awhile.

* * *

_THUD._

I wake with a start, sitting upright. Rubbing my eyes with my fist, I yawn. As my vision finally adjusts, I see Peter walking to his bed, looking guilty.

"Merlin, Peter. Will it kill you to close the door softly?!"

Peter, who was now sitting cross-legged on his bed and facing me, muttered a meek "Sorry."

Sighing, I wave his apology off. "Yeah, it's okay. I'm just a bit off today."

"I noticed."

I smiled sadly at him. "It's nothing, I was just up all night studying."

He looks at me with doubtful eyes. "And what, Sirius was studying with you? The only time he ever stayed up to study was for O.W.L.S. remember?"

At lost for words, I shrug. "Just leave it, Peter..."

"What's going on with you two?", he says, exasperated. "I mean, I'll be honest when he came up here after you fell asleep I _did_ think he was reading those books again but-"

Stunned, I cut him off. "He returned here before he had to get ready for class?"

Looking more confused than before, Peter nods at me slowly. "Yeah. Right after you fell asleep actually, which didn't take long because you were out the moment your head hit the pillow."

"How do you know this?"

Peter raises his eyebrows at me. "Don't you remember? When you came in at about three in the morning I was going back to my bed from the bathroom. I was about to go back to sleep when you stumbled right into the door. You fell asleep on your bed before you even noticed I was awake. Sirius came in a few moments later, he looked a bit disoriented. Like I said, I thought he was reading up on those extra books again, but then during lunch he told me and James about his bag ripping apart from all the extra books he wanted to get started on so he must not have read them yet. So anyway, he comes in here looking battered and walked over to you before realizing you already asleep."

Trying to process the new information, I don't know where to begin. "So he slept here? But his bed looks like-". I stop as I just realize something Peter said. "Wait, he walked over to me? For what?"

"He just put another blanket over you because he noticed you were shivering...He looked worried. Then he just asked me how long you've been up here and if you were okay."

"He put a blanket over me. And asked if I was okay" I repeat slowly. My head, though still trying to shake off the hangover, strains to make sense of what Peter is trying to say anyway. Sirius couldn't even look at me after the whole snogging session, and somehow he suddenly decided that he should tuck me in? Well, if initiating the kisses wasn't enough proof that Sirius was more wasted than he was, then bidding me goodnight afterwards certainly confirmed it.

"Yep" Peter says nonchalantly. "Then..." he trails off.

"Then what?" I push impatiently.

"Then he passed out on the floor between our beds" he finished with an amused grin which fades quickly. "What happened between you two?"

"Nothing, Wormtail, just a misunderstanding" I murmur.

Peter dons a pitiful expression and walks over to sit on the edge of my bed, looking down at me. "Anything I can do to help?"

Focusing on the ceiling, I just shake my head. "'Fraid not, Pete."

Peter, looking crestfallen, just accepts this. "Is it...fixable?"

I display a feigned smile. "Of course it is"

He looks at me accusingly.

My face falls, knowing that Peter knows me too well for that. "I'm trying for it be at least."

"Moony, will this be like in fifth year?" he asks, the anxiety evident in his voice.

I feel a stab in my heart, remembering how The Prank left Peter the most isolated when it happened. James's and my life were the ones at stake, our anger towards Sirius kept us close, albeit bitter most of the time, and astray from the Marauders. Sirius, on the other hand, was not any better once he got rid of his pride. He had resorted to the kind of thinking that made him believe that he was better off without anyone, that he didn't deserve any sort of affection from anyone anymore. That behaviour left no space in his life for Peter's constantly-offered consolation. Peter, although the only one among us who wasn't involved that night at the Whomping Willow, was affected as much as James and Sirius were. I've always felt guilty for not realising that at the time.

I let out a reassuring chuckle and sit up, slinging an arm over him. "Aw, come on, Pete. No it will not be like fifth year. Just a stupid fight, that's all."

"Is it about the-"

"No, not about the prank" I cut him off hastily.

"No, I was gonna ask you if it was about the full moon on Friday."

I pale in an instant, remembering. Somewhere along the drunken conversation, I had agreed to let Sirius look after me alone during my next transformation. Mentally cursing myself, I search my head for some sort of excuse to retract my permission. Then, I realise that I do not need an alibi to get out of the agreement. Sirius couldn't even talk to me properly, and if that the case, I doubt he could handle my - as James tastefully puts it - furry little problem.

"Yeah" I lie to Peter. Although it was the full moon discussion with James that made me want to drink so much.

Comprehension fills Peter's expression. "Oh..You know, you really should let him help out, Moony. He can handle you better than me and James can actually."

I raise an eyebrow at him "What do you mean?"

"Well," he starts off thoughtfully, "it's just that the wolf is more controlled around when Padfoot is allowed...I heard James showed you his wounds?"

I flinch at the memory of James's body coated with deep gashes and yellowing bruises. "You have them too don't you?" I ask, apprehensive of the answer.

Peter smiles sadly, in an attempt to shake off my concern. "There _is_ a reason why Sirius is the only one who isn't all scarred, you know. He's the only one who goes around shirtless here, other than Frank of course, but it's not just because Sirius is a vain arse" he jokes weakly.

I chuckle, nodding slowly. "Has it always been that bad? The damage? _My _damage?"

"No...just towards the end of last year, I guess" he answers, looking down at his lap where his fingers are fumbling.

"Oh."

I understand without him having to elaborate. _Towards the end of last year. _Of course. The three full moons when James and I forbid Sirius to run with us, for obvious reasons.

"Please don't beat yourself up for all of this" he added, his eyes still avoiding mine. "It's not you fault. None of this is."

"I'm not blaming myself, Wormtail." I correct him, dishonestly.

He stands up and claps my back. "You better not be" he halfheartedly warns with a grin.

I roll my eyes. "I can take care of myself, Wormy."

He frowns at me. "No need to make my nickname any worse than it already is."

"Hey, 'Moony' isn't exactly _macho _either" I retort.

He snorts. "Becoming a werewolf once a month isn't _macho_" - he stresses the word with air quotes - "enough for you?"

I laugh, shaking my head. "Whatever, Pete...Hey aren't you supposed to be at class in while with James and Sirius?"

"Yeah, I just went up here because I offered to get Sirius's book. He said it might be with you?"

"What?...Oh yeah." I suddenly remember the books I offered to take up for Sirius. I shift to the other side of my bed and pull my messenger bag off the floor. Unbuckling, I open it and retrieve Sirius's copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them. I hand it to Peter.

"So you'll be okay here?" he asks, clutching the book.

"You're gonna be late, Pete" I remind him, maneuvering around another lie.

"Well, if you say so" he says with a tight-lipped smile, concern in his blue eyes undisguised, before he walks out of the room.

As I was just about to collapse back onto my bed, a scrap of parchment among my cluster of sheets. Something that fell from Sirius's book. Curious, I gingerly pick it up and read the bunch of messy scrawls on it.

_Moony, the full moon's tonight, what are you doing in class? - Padfoot_

_Stop babying me, Sirius_

_It's the first full moon of the term. Those are always your worst ones. You need to rest._

_I'll be okay._

_At least we'll be there this time._

_Exactly. Now bugger off. Slughorn is glaring at us._

_Okay._

_Good._

_Moony?_

_WHAT?_

_Can you pass me your notes?_

I smile to myself, looking down at the conversation. It was bizarre to try and wrap my head around the fact that this was just two months ago because it feels like an alternate reality.

I fold the parchment up and reach under my bed, retrieving a small wooden box. Grasping my wand, I tap it and murmur _Canicula. _As it unlocks, I hear a faint click, and lift the lid, depositing the paper in it. With a wave of the wand over it, sealing it shut again, before stuffing it under my bed and lying back down, slipping beneath the thick blanket.

I pull the sheets closer around my body, warding off the chilly November air that continuously seeps through the window cracks. Despite myself, I grin, remembering that the breaks in the glass could be traced back to the afternoon in our third year. It was when James was accepted into the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Sirius then decided that the only way to properly celebrate was to steal a Quaffle and play with it the dorm with James and Frank. Of course, thanks to their rowdiness, our window panes suffered. Whenever I tried to use Reparo, Sirius ended up whining dramatically ("Moony, if you fix it you're erasing a good memory!") and I resorted to giving up.

I curled up, indulging myself in memories, even just for a little while.

* * *

Just as I was about to drift into a much needed nap, I hear the door bang open.

I groan and turn to the door. "Look, Peter, I really am- oh."

In the door way stood a very angry looking Chaser with a black eye and I sit up, bracing myself for whatever else is coming.

"He's really getting on my nerves, Remus" he mutters as he walks in, standing over me.

"Being friends with you guys has really robbed me of sleep you know that? I should really talk to Dumbledore about this whole just-one-dorm-room-for-each-year thing" I manage to say before yawning.

Ignoring my irritated remarks, he just continues. "Merlin, I swear he's got the shortest temper when he's in a bad mood. That twat..."

I sigh. "Aren't you supposed to be in class?"

"We were on our way to it, actually. Since Sirius wasn't with us, Sirius took the opportunity to tell me about last night - don't worry, I put on my best shocked face" he adds at my concerned expression. "So I asked him how he felt about it, and said he was so confused. Because a part of him liked it."

My heart does a little jump, and I feel myself freeze. Trying to hide it, I gesture for James to go on.

"But..."

Oh there it goes.

"...when I suggested that it was perfectly normal to like blokes, well that was how I got the bloody black eye! Fucking exploded because 'I'm suggesting that he's a fucking queer'. As if it was a fucking insult!" he finishes, plopping down next to me in frustration.

I can practically hear my heart shattering. "The very idea of homosexuality makes him punch his best friend in the face. That's reassuring."

"He just being a defensive prick again, Moony" James says bitterly.

I sigh. "Yeah...I guess. I hope so."

Then, James's expression turns comforting and gentle, as if readying himself for the next few words he has to say.

"Prongs, there's more to this, isn't there?"

He inhales deeply. "He said...Okay, he said he wasn't sure if he was gonna make it on the full" James mutters slowly, laying a hand on my shoulder in an unsuccessful attempt to reassure me.

As James words sinks in, I try to feel relieved like I thought I would be. But instead, I feel nothing but disappointment stir in the pit of my stomach, and James senses this.

"He'll come around, Rem..." he says but the uncertainty was obvious in his voice.

I nod slowly, staring blankly ahead.

"And if he doesn't in time of the moon-"

"You are not going with me. You have a game the following morning and there is no way I'm letting you stay up all night beforehand." He opens his mouth to protest but I cut him off immediately. "Last year, when we started this whole fucking routine in the first place, you three promised me you guys would respect my decision about these things. You promised."

"I'm worried, Moony..." he mumbles. "If something happens to you while you're alone...I don't know what I would do..."

"Don't go soft on me, Potter" I joke with a weak smile.

James's solemn expression dissolves into a grin as he punches me in the arm, sitting up next to me. "Arse. I'm trying to be serious here."

I smirk. "Well, all of this is shit and honestly, I don't think worrying will do us much good."

"You're right. As usual" he chuckles. "Damn, since when did I become the sappy one in this relationship?"

"This relationship?" I repeat, raising my eyebrows. "I may be gay, but you're not my type."

"Tell that to very passionate kiss we shared in third year" he retorted, flipping his unruly hair dramatically.

I stare at him, blinking rapidly, then break into laughter. "CAN YOU PLEASE NOT BRING THAT UP?!"

Cringing at the memory, I remember how back in third year I came to James saying I couldn't figure out whether I liked blokes that way or not. He was overwhelmingly accepting and understanding. But, the moment I complained that I'd do anything to to decide, I regretted saying so, because James kissed me in an instant. I pulled away, shouting every curse word my innocent thirteen-year-old mind could bear to say. He, on the other hand, just shrugged and asked _So, are you gay or not? _to which I replied _Okay, yeah, but definitely not for you, mate. _It was the first time I managed to dent his ego._  
_

"But that was a very important moment in our friendship!" James protests, stifling a laugh.

I roll my eyes. "Crappiest first kiss ever."

He lets out a fake gasp. "How dare you, Remus John Lupin? Besides, I'll bet anything I was better than Sirius."

Shaking my head, I chuckle. "Your lips weren't as soft. Weren't as warm. Besides, you didn't give me any tongue while Sirius was amaz-"

James shoots up the bed, covering his ears. "THAT'S MY BEST YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, LUPIN."

I grin triumphantly. "You started it."

"When you and Sirius finally end up together, I'm gonna have to learn new silencing spells if I want to still sleep in this room, huh?"

My smile fades. "Me and Sirius. Right."

James sighs and looks at me. "I could happen, Remus. You know that, right?"

"That black eye on your face says otherwise" I quip. I stand up to get ready for my next class, walking over to the other side of the room where my Arithmancy book was placed on the windowsill. Something outside catches my eye.

From the other side of the room, James is still insisting. "This is just a product of him being a stubborn little tosser. That's not enough to prove he won't ever like you back."

I scoff and point to the window. "Is _that _enough proof for you?"

Before I know it, a very curious James is at my side.

I glare, not even trying to hide my dismay. "Looks like you aren't the only one who decided to skip classes."

James squints, following my gaze to Sirius on the grounds.

To be more specific, Sirius's lips attached to Margaret Kerrigan's.

James's jaw drops. Sirius definitely hasn't played around with girls for a while, and even his best friend really thought he had grown from it. "Padfoot, you idiot..." he mutters.

"I don't know" I reply. "At least this time, it's not just another drunken mistake."

Lucky her.

* * *

**I hope that was even the tiniest bit worth the wait. At least it was a bit longer yeah? I promise to be more consistent with my updates. But before I update, I need some feedback because I'm kind of confused about how to play out the storyline I have in my head. How do you like the story's progress? Do you guys like long multichapter fanfics? I'm definitely gonna do a Sirius POV sometime into the story. Maybe even James for a chapter or two? What do you guys think about that? **

**But anyway, thank you for your ongoing reading! Please review, guys :)**


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